Suspenders
by Veroxion
Summary: /SasuSaku\ “KYAAAAA! SASUKE–KUN IS IN SUSPENDERS!” /Possible Crack. Oneshot\


**Last upload of the year! Merry Christmas everyone :)**

* * *

**I attempted humor... and failed miserably.**

**YOU HEAR? FAILED. **

**Disclaimer: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto. Plottish-thing belongs to Veroxion**.

"Dork!"

"I am NOT a dork you ramen disease of annoyance!"

"Dork. DORK. DORK. DORK!"

"Oi, piggy, help me!"

"Sorry.. this is _dorkalicious_."

The hell?

...I think she had finally lost it. I stuffed my hands in my (_sexy but hateful_) black shorts. "There is a thing, Ino–pig, something we look up to and praise everyday, the leader of all gossip—"

"SEE! DORRRRK!"

"Naruto, my sweet, lovable, sexy friend... SHUT UP."

"Forehead, you just called Naruto _sexy_."

"Ahem—as I was _saying_. This wonderful item is called a dictionary!"

Silence (_like wow. I can hear the crickets chirp_)

"USE THE DICTIONARY, PORKY!"

"TOO BAD. DORKALICIOUS IS LIKE, MY NEW WORD."

"LIKE, GAG ME WITH A SPOON, LIKE."

"Like, Forehead..."

Silence (_the crickets are back!_)

"So, why exactly are you wearing... _suspenders_, dork?" Naruto asked, raising a blonde eyebrow at me... and his blue (_PERVERT!_) gaze traveled down to where the suspenders held up those (_sexy but hateful, damn it_) shorts that I had borrowed from Ino—or rather, she left them at my place when she was sulking about her boyfriend being a lazy bastard. Mhm... I still say I borrowed them.

"I lost a bet." clenched teeth because I _am not_ enjoying this. Ino's (_SEXY! SEXY! GRAB A HOSE 'CAUSE THOSE PANTS ARE ON FI-YAH!_) shorts are... well short.. and revealing my ugly thighs.. and legs. Ew. No one wants to see a fat chick parading around in mini-shorts!

"To who?" Ino questioned looking at her ever fabulous (_because seriously, what part of her isn't __fabulous?_) nails. I lose my train of thought because _damn_ that is a nice shade of blue...

"Dork?" Naruto waves a hand in front my face and I ignore all the fungus and dirt on it and I carry on staring Ino's... nails. OH YES. I AM A NAIL PERVERT (_but Ino–pork chop is like a ass pervert so really, I'm off the hook with this one_).

"DORKALICIOUS."

Oh, it's _on_. "I am not a dork, porky pig."

"Right, so who did you lose to?"

"Well I didn't exactly_ lose_... it was more of a compromise."

"With who—"

"KYAAAAA! SASUKE–KUN IS IN SUSPENDERS!"

"OH EM GEE!! THAT IS _SO HOT_."

"I THINK I JUST HAD AN ORGASM!"

"I—I THINK I'M ABOUT TO FAINT!"

"OH LORDY, HE'S SCOWLING AT US!"

"US?! YOU MEAN ME?!"

"YOU WANNA GO, BITCH?"

Wow.

No wonder Sasuke hates his fan girls... they're _scary_.

"Hn."

Ino raises a (_fabulous, perfect, gorgeous, extraordinary_) eyebrow.

Naruto bursts out laughing (_like... he's on the ground, gasping for air. BREATHE YOU MORON!_).

And I...?

I merely snigger.

Sasuke–kun is suspenders is just... too much.

Especially when wearing (_hot, tight, black, leather...)_ skinny jeans.

I think I just had an orgasm myself.

Then Sasuke (_sex–god I say!_) turns his (_hot, possessive... adoring? The FUCK?)_ gaze onto me and locks it. He then runs over, dust swirling around the air, making the fan girly girls cough and wheeze (S_hannaro! That's what you get for looking at my man candy!_) as arms were thrown around me.. and I'm on the floor... Sasuke's head buried into my chest (_yes. MY CHEST. WHERE MY BREASTS ARE. LIKE HE'S BREATHING DOWN MY SHIRT?_).

"Oh, Sakura–chyaaan! I'm being verbally abused!" he _wails_.

. . . . .

. . . . .

. . . . .

At least I know why _uke_ is at the end of his name.

I stare at him.

Ino stares at him.

Naruto stares at him.

_Everyone _stares at him.

Silence.

(..._welcome back crickets!_)

Awkward cough.

"....are you _high_?"

Nah, he's more like... high _and_ drunk.

...and I'm starting to like it (_well no shit. What would you do if your boyfriend is like begging (ahaha) you to scare away fan girls?_) because he is clinging onto me... with everyone watching.

So, us standing up and Sasuke still clinging to me—head buried in the crook off my neck so all I could see where these black spikes in my view. The fan girls were still swooning, although I had no freakin' idea _why_.

...maybe it was because he was being... cute?

YES. LET US GO WITH THAT.

"Saakurrraaa!" he whined (_Oh, I can so see my precious Sasuke–kun getting molested by someone from behind_—_oh. I really am an ass pervert_), "They're gonna rape me!"

Speaking of rape—

"Honey, with those things on," Ino pointed to the suspenders keeping Sasuke's jean in place (_although he did so not need them... he was wearing a studded belt_—_which made it hotter_) "No wonder people want to rape you. Hell, I'm sure Naruto wants to ravish you."

All gazes whipped towards said blonde haired boy. He looked like a deer in headlights.

Silence—WELCOME BACK CRICKETS, ONCE MORE. YOU NOW HAVE A PERMANENT SEAT IN THE COUTYARD OF THIS LAME, UNNAMED SCHOOL.

Sasuke had (_thankfully_) removed his head from my neck and made a face. "Ew."

"EW INDEED!" Naruto hollered, before turning to point an accusing finger at Ino (_who ate all the pies? I CAN SO SEE THAT, POINT AT HER!_) "You will not use me and the teme for your yaoi fantasies, piggy porker pig!"

Whoa, _nice_ one Naruto.

Although that image of Sasuke and his behind—

. . . . .

No. Naruto just... _doesn't fit. _(_Sasuke's ass is too small... and sexy and tight—oh LORDY_).

DIRTY THOUGHTS (_BLAME TEH PIG!_)

"Hmph, you use me and _mega-ultra-sized_ billboard forehead for your yuri fantasies."

Naruto blushed.

Sasuke blushed. (_oh you son of a—no. Mikoto–san is too nice.... YOU SON OF A BASTARD. Yeah. That'll work_)

"I do not think about you and Sakura–chan," Naruto grimaced (_...he's just _too_ innocent_) "_Touching _each other."

. . . . .

"I'm getting horny."

I looked down at Sasuke.

Oh, he is_ such_ a pervert.

"Me too!" Naruto blurted out.

The two boys stared at each other.

—Oh, the sexual tension is too much to bare!

Ino looked from Sasuke to Naruto—and fell backwards.

"Pork chop?"

"Piglet?"

"Bacon fat?"

Applaud, crickets! APPLAUD!

"....she fainted."

"Chyeah. We can see that, idiot."

"...I wonder why," said idiot mused.

Dare I tell him?

Snicker.

_Hell. Yeah._

"She was thinking about how you could pound into Sasuke's—"

"OHMYGOD."

_Thud._

Stare.

"...can you rape me of my virginity now?"

"Sasuke you _douche_!"

"I am not a douche. Well, maybe. BUT A SEXY ONE."

Sasuke is definitively high.

I have been electrocuted because it sure damn as hell felt like it when a thought hit me.

"Sasuke–kun, my precious baby?"

"Yes, Sakura–sama, my rapist—"

"Sasuke? _Shut up_." (_because it's just annoying now..._)

"Yes, mistress."

"Can you hate Itachi for me please?"

"BUT NII–CHAN IS—"

"An evil child molester." (_but a sexy one at that_)

Sasuke's brow furrowed.

...I want to pinch his cheeks. Fer serious..

"MY BABY HAS BEEN ABUSED!"

"ohmygawsh. DO WE HAVE SOME CHILD YOU HAVE NOT TOLD ME ABOUT—?"

"ITACHI HAS DEFIED THE LAWS OF 'WHAT NOT TO GIVE SASUKE–KUN'"

Crickets (_welcome back... you know, _again_)_.

I then pinched Sasuke's chubby, red, blushing cheeks. "MY BABY HAS BEEN FED SUGAR!"

. . . . .

. . . . .

. . . . .

"If I'm you're baby, does this mean you slept with my Otou–san?"

"...you are _such_ a douche."

* * *

**Haha. See why I totally fail?**

**Wow. I totally screwed this up... it started as a suspender thing and it ended up going into yaoi and yuri fantasies... then to Sasuke being totally high and OOC.**

**Review and flame me :)**


End file.
